Annie Whiplash

Guest Columnist Annie Whiplash

In this age of instant news, a sure way to get your name up in pixels is to express flaming indignation at some supposed insult to your-favorite-demograhic by a public figure--bigger the celeb, the better. News for you, people... insults are in the eye of the beholder, just as much as beauty. If I choose to call someone a 'wet back', for instance, whether you picture a naked bullfighter sweating on top of you, or a short, pimply illegal swimming across the Rio Grand is your business, not mine. I say a word, a mere vibration in the air. What you do with it after that is your business and your problem, if you have one.

When I went to school, 'faggot' didn't mean homosexual. Well, not necessarily. The class faggots, when they weren't whining, were kissing the teacher's ass or ratting you out. They sucked at sports and were generally spaz.

Now do you get it about John Edwards? Back in grade school, you would have stolen his milk and enjoyed watching his lard-ass get regularly pummeled just for being a dweeb.

This flap about words goes beyond mere political correctness. People should use the terms everyone is familiar with, it just makes communications easier.

If you don't like someone, you still own that inalienable American right to call them names... to call a spade a Spade, as it were.

( Annie Whiplash is a regular contributor at Blog from the Future Past )

Guest Columnist Annie Whiplash

The other day, CNN's Wolf Blitzer interviewed Vice President Dick Cheney. When asked the meaning of a Congressional resolution against the 'surge' strategy of raising the number of troops in Iraq, the VEEP rightly replied, "It wouldn't stop us anyway..." Blitzer seemed flabbergasted, for once tongue-tied. The liberal media just doesn't get it... they assume this country is a democracy, when it's been governed as a Republic since Teddy Roosevelt. Once elected, the executive branch is entitled to do whatever it damn pleases in the national interest, and who understands our national interests better than George Bush, Dick Cheney, and the wrongly maligned Donald Rumsfeld?

What did Blitzer expect? Does he really believe that Congress matters? Or should matter? In the true spirit of a Capitalist Republic, the only real congressional duty is to grease the upper-echelons of the economic system through the influence of lobbyists. Past that, they serve no useful function, save entertainment.

The Venezuelans have it right. In times of national crisis, the executive branch needs to be almighty. Congress should grant similar absolute powers to our chief-executive and disband until every last Koran-toting terrorist is toast.

( Annie Whiplash is a regular contributor at Blog from the Future Past )

Guest Columnist Annie Whiplash

John Bolton's appointment as Ambassador to the UN will likely be voted down by the Senate due to baseless complaints about "management style". Bolton's enemies, also enemies of a strong America, have started in on the name-calling, citing Bolton as a "typical kiss up, kick down bureaucrat", "crass and abusive of subordinates", and, "a martinet in an ill-fitting suit". And your problem is? Pardon me, but there couldn't be any better qualifications. Bolton unabashedly genuflects at the altar of the Cheney/Rumsfeld/Bush global strategy of power through arrogance, and is willing and able to kick to the curb any brown-tinted, oddly-dressed third-worlder who sees it otherwise.

Bolton just tells it like it is, like it ever will be: America is the greatest country in the world. If you don't get it, we have just one word to say to you: sanctions!

In the past we've drawn our UN Ambassadors from the ranks of Academia and the Department of State, under the wrong-headed assumption that our representation within the world body requires a keen analytical intelligence, skill in diplomacy and a depth of cross-cultural understanding. It's now so obvious that this can never work.

Someone like John Bolton, using impressive rants capable of turning every face in the room red, will stuff our national will down the throat of every pretentious France-loving asshole in the assembly. America needs men like John Bolton, until we prevail in every War on Terror we declare.

( Annie Whiplash is a regular contributor at Blog from the Future Past )

Guest Columnist Annie Whiplash

When a great American gay-basher and abortion foe such as Rick Santorum gets voted out of office by scumbag liberal traitors, it is a sad day for America indeed. The global warming gang, the environmental savages, the immigrant/terrorist-coddling religious bigots had their day yesterday, pulling their wool over the eyes of middle America. There are rumors they may have even poisoned the water in places like Ohio and Pennsylvania. Even the son of a beloved ex-football coach is endangered, with the vote count in Virginia at this writing too close to call. I mean, who knows what a 'macaca' is, anyway?

( Annie Whiplash is a regular contributor at Blog from the Future Past )

Guest Columnist Annie Whiplash

John Kerry may have made a lame-ass excuse to the troops, but I think the larger issue is the alleged 'joke' he botched. Kerry believes he may be intellectually superior to our beloved Commander-In-Chief and this is high treason. In a more civilized society, such as ancient Rome, he would be separted from his head and skin in public, and then executed. George Bush may not have the an IQ over a hundred like Kerry (105), but he has made very wise decisions as President, including surrounding himself with the best minds in America, such as Dick Cheny, Donald Rumsfeld, Karl Rove and Condoleeza Rice, the most popular black woman in America next to Oprah and Queen Latifah.

It takes intellectual strength to gather such an astounding array of subordinates -- people who think exactly alike and keep only their own counsel. These commited, great Americans have the keen intellectual insight it takes to kill the terrorists in their beds or water-board the crap out of them, no matter where they live and no matter who else gets in the way.

It's not easy an easy decision to kill, maim, or torture people, even if it's in retaliation for the killing of our own innocents on September 11th. Weak minds might see that as hypocrisy, but a well-developed sense of absolute conviction against all reason is a requirement of real leadership, as is resistance to changing one's mind in the face of overwhelming evidence that their plan isn't working.

This takes courage, something John Kerry knows nothing about.

Keep this in mind the next time you buy ketchup.

( Annie Whiplash is a regular contributor at Blog from the Future Past )

Guest Columnist Annie Whiplash

Rumors have been flying around Washington ever since she was National Security Chief. Now, after more than a year as Secretary of State, we have to assume all the talk about Condoleeza Rice must be true. The word around the DC after-hours sex-clubs has it that Condi is at least a human agent of the planet Mongo, if not a disquised Mongonian herself -- the same rumors that have dogged Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and Vice-President Dick Cheney since Mongonian microchips were found embedded within the turkey flap under Ronald Reagan's chin during his autopsy, kept safely hidden by a conscientious public servant.

The documents never named any Mongonian agents directly, but indicate at least a few are now occupying positions in the US government, including a number of elected officials.

Sound far out? Perhaps, but according to a translation of the Mongonian documents by the Commitee to Elect Barbra Streisand, the overall alien strategy is to keep humanity earthbound by promoting divisiveness among the earth's various peoples. The vile plan is simple: war and famine fueled by racial and religious hatred will keep us too busy and too wasteful to ever leave the planet and become a threat to the Mongonian trade monopoly in this sector of the galaxy. Moreover, the documents show a distinct disregard for human suffering and the death of innocents, a trait those rumored to be Mongonian agents, including Ms. Rice, seem to possess in abundance.

Secretary Rice surely falls under suspicion for her alien-like lack of emotion. Despite her impressive background, education and experience, she seems to have no mind of her own, strictly following the alien agenda. Her lack of a sense of humor or ability to display a simple human touch are other sure indicators, as is technical brilliance at the piano with no sign of an emotional attachment to the piece playing out beneath those big-knuckled, bony fingers.

Finally, it's well-known that Mongonians passing for human never expose their necks, literally or figuratively. I mean really... can you imagine Condi putting herself on the line by expressing a personal opinion? Ever see a picture of her in a swimsuit or showing off even a hint of a well-developed cameltoe?

This lady quacks like alien duck.

( Annie Whiplash is a regular contributor at Blog from the Future Past )