Eatin' It Out

The resident teenager returned home Friday after a month in Japan. For her first home cooked meal, Saturday's supper, she asked for a hamburger. Now, Mom's not crazy about hamburgers, so I offered to make chicken parm, her favorite, and told her I'd come up with another plan for burgers.

As it happens, I recently heard folks on a radio talk show rave about the burgers at Fuddruckers in North Andover, off Rt. 495, not far from the Lawrence town line and less than 30 minutes from Carlisle. On Sunday, I suggested we go out for a burger and talked the girls into trying it.

Fuddruckers is a chain restaurant, so, like almost every other every chain, it's a game of hit or miss. When we walked into the place around 7 PM on Sunday and only a sparse handful of people were there, I was pretty sure it would miss by a mile.

Bill's Smokehouse Bacon and Cheddar burger didn't look quite as good as this one.

Fudds is what I'd call, 'semi-fast food', served do-it-yourself style. You choose the size of your burger (1/3, 1/2, 3/4, or 1 Lb.) plus any cooked toppings, such as sauteed mushroom or onions, plus your cheese of choice. They cook it up to order while you wait holding your ticket. If burgers aren't your thing, they also serve salads, a few of the usual suspect appetizers and sides, plus steak, chicken or fish meals and sandwich selections. Basically, not a bad concept for a family restaurant and the chain did become popular a few years ago, perhaps, I suspect, when real food people were more involved in the management.

I dunno. The feeling of the place was industrial, prissy and overly-organized. Places where the food rocks need a certain amount of chaos, I've always reckoned. The staff seemed populated by off-the-rack automatons, though very polite ones.

We picked up our drinks (thank god they serve beer) and found a table near the wall in the cavernous dining room. The place was like a wind tunnel. I found us a sheltered table in the corner where at least we wouldn't freeze to death before we had time to finish our dinner.

First off, the automaton who took our order got it wrong... silly me for asking for two things in one sentence. "Two bacon/cheddar burgers," I said, ordering for me and Marii. "One is a third of a pound, the other a half pound." He rung it up, and I never checked the fine faded print on the receipt. The small burger came to us plain.

Next comes a visit to the customization station, where I tossed on some veggies. Everything seemed fresh and well-tended... 2000 slices of tomato, for example, arrayed in long neat rows and hardly touched. Onions, Jalpenos, lettuce, pickles, salsa, etc., and a nifty Cheese Whiz pumping machine over at the intimidating high-volume condiment dispersal station.

At last, getting to the meat of the matter, I'll give Fuddruckers an A+ on execution, but a C+ overall on the burger. It's a matter of taste, quantity and price... as we Lambert's say, 'Cost Performance'. If I made a half-pound burger at home, it would be twice as thick and have a lot more taste. The Fudds burger had almost no taste and no seasoning to enhance flavor that I could tell. I'm guessing previously frozen ground beef was used, and of a variety with not enough fat to make a juicy, flavorful patty. Freezing only compounds the taste problem of low fat by squeezing out most of the juices.

My burger was cooked perfectly; the bun fresh, the insides grilled golden brown and just right. However, the 'smokehouse bacon' was scraggly--if it ever saw the inside of a smokehouse, it didn't taste like it. The 'sharp cheddar' was barely a thin slice and more soaked into the patty, rather than melted on top of it.

The ingredients were the problem, at least for the burgers. Too bad, because it's not cheap. Our order came to $32 and would have been $35 if they got it right. Those two burgers and a salad cost more than we spend for dinner in Chinatown.

A $10 burger had better be top notch if people are going to keep coming back. Evidently, they're staying away in droves, at least at this location.

May ordered something called a Yin Yan salad--grilled sesame chicken served with Asian dressing and fresh greens. She liked it. The seasoned steak fries that came with the burgers were tasty, though not quite crisped enough on the outside and you don't get a whole lot of them.

Rating: 2.5 out of 5.0 Mediocre Tomato Salads

Dining out is our usual topic, but this time it's drinking out. As that TV ad says, it's all about the beer.

I worked in Waltham for 20 something years, and used to be a big fan of Watch City. Recently I went back there for a company reunion thing, and I just didn't get what might have happened to the place.

For me, the beer rules are simple. A good beer...

• ... is best served tongue freezing cold
• ... quenches your thirst
• ... leaves no aftertaste or sock on your tongue
• ... packs some punch, at 5% alcohol, or greater
• ... contains no vegetables, vegetable flavorings, or anything you might find stuck on a paper parasol in a chinese restaurant drink

The Watch City Brewing company is conveniently located right next to the Landmark Embassy Theatre on Moody Street in Waltham. If it didn't start to suck I would eat there more often.

The evening of our little reunion party, Watch City offered six varieties of brew. I tried five of them, and in desperation may have tried all six if I hadn't shut myself off later in the evening. The first the waiter recommended and called it a pale ale. Served in a 14-oz. snifter, it had a real kick to it at >10% alcohol content, but left an aftertaste like that of a red wine hangover and had little in common with other pale ales I've loved. Had to switch, so I asked my friend Peeto what he was drinking, trusting his taste. "Summer Ale", he said. I ordered one, unaware it was a lemon flavored summer ale.

"Lemon Ale" sounds too much like lemonade and sort of tastes like it too. That's what it tasted like... beer mixed with lemonade.

I don't remember the names of the rest of Watch City brews, since names didn't seem to mean much. Two were as bitter as aspirin and the last a tasteless stout.

Perhaps they're just trying to be overly trendy, or maybe they've lost their minds. Years ago I remember going there quite a few times and ordering the sampler of the five or six brews they had on tap on any given evening. I usually liked everything they would throw my way, few exceptions.

I won't even mention the $11 chicken parm sandwich, the dried-up and tough chicken burned on the bottom and served on a rock hard ciabatta roll barely bigger than my wallet. It looked a lot like my wallet. Came with seasoned crispy fries, but otherwise nada... no pickle, no slaw, no veggie matter of any kind, always better on your plate than in your beer.

The fries were good. If you go there, I recommend you load up on the fries.

Watch City Brewing Company 256 Moody Street Waltham, MA 02453 (781) 647-4000

Rating: A Dismal 2.0 out of 5.0 Over-refrigerated Tomato Salads

There's not much in the way of decent ethnic food out here in the barren bowels of Middlesex county. We're close enough to Lowell, and Lexington, I guess... two of the rare oases in the vast taste desert of suburban metro northwest. Nashua and Salem, New Hampshire, are certainly close enough for a family night out, but the southern third of the Granite State is a wasteland of chain-restaurant over-proliferation. And if you stop somewhere up there that's doesn't pledge allegiance to a franchise, it's likely owned by a clueless someone trying to mimic one.

The India Palace locations in Chelmsford, MA, and Nashua, NH, share a colorful decor filled with funky, really cheap Indian artifacts. Photos pilfered from India Palace website.

Well... sometimes we do have to eat while up in NH on a beer run: fortunately, we lucked onto a rare jewel in Nashua, the India Palace--in the same obscure strip mall as the former Osaka Tea Garden, just past Daddy's Junkie Music and Newbury Comics on Daniel Webster, heading south. It's a small place, kind of homey mom and pop. It's usually quiet, with many families and couples and about half the clientele Indian (had a different name when it first opened, 'Mahalmed', or something). Everything rocks, the food, the service and the prices. It's right next door to an Indian grocery to boot, convenient in case I need to reload on Hot Masala Pepper sauce, Tikka spice, or hunt down the odd Indian ingredient.

After a few years and at least a half-dozen positive experiences, May heard the same folks opened a place in Chelmsford, in yet another tiny obscure strip mall, on Rt.110 near the Westford line, in the space formerly occupied by the Chinese restaurant, Panda Wok.

Both places are outfitted with authentic clay Tandoor ovens and the aroma nails you before you hit the door. Over the years, we've tried a lot of dishes, my favorites; Swordfish Tikka Masala, and Lamb Bhuna--a spicy dark red stew of lamb kabobs, pepper and onions. May swears by any of the shrimp dishes, while the resident teenager loves the Chicken Tikka; boneless spiced kebobs served on a sizzling cast-iron platter with grilled veggies. (For Marii to eat Indian spiced anything is a major accomplishment the India Palace can be proud of.) I've tried a number of their Tandoori entrees, including the 'Mixed Grill', A delicious combination of chicken, lamb, seekh kebab, and shrimp... cooked just right the time I tried it. The major disappoinment, both places... the fried veggie Samosa appetizer. This is the one thing I don't believe is freshly made, or at least was frozen before the day it was used. It just had that freezer hangover taste and texture. You know what I mean... too bad, 'cause I love those 'botatoes and bees'. Their nan bread is among the best I've tried, for some reason especially yummy at the Chelmsford locale.

Many of the waitstaff are English challenged, but that in no way prevents them from providing excellent and attentive service. We've never had to wait more than few minutes at the the Nashua location and never in Chelmsford.

Haven't yet visited the third India Palace location and probably never will until we figure out some reason to visit the butt-ugly mill city of Manchester besides the highway that passes through it.

Rating: A delicious 3.5 out of 5.0 Fresh Tomato Salads

While NumberOneSon, Matt, was home recently, I talked him into going to this Brazilian steak house I noticed once while on a mission to find a grocery selling authentic Portuguese sausage in downtown Lowell. "Tabocas" is the name of the place, located on the main drag (Andover St./Rt. 110) in what appears to be a former fast food joint.

TOP: Hot table filled with Brazilian buffet fare; BOTTOM: The main attraction, sizzling on skewers over the grill. Photos taken from Tabocas website.

Goes to show; looks can be deceiving in a place like Lowell. The aroma assails you from the parking lot, but once through the door, the intensity will put grill lovers to their knees, praying to the almighty they won't have to wait long for a table. Damn, that smells good. Peppery smoke and burning fat, the stuff we crave most when eating land-based creatures. While the main dining room was certainly small with room for perhaps fifty, the tables were decked out with fine china, linens and leather. The waiter explained the 'Rodizio', all-you-can-eat grilled meat on skewers ($21.95), while we ordered two Stella Artois. You could also choose off the regular menu, which includes quite a variety of seafood dishes, as well as steaks, chicken and chops ($12.95 - $18.95).

We both ordered the Radizio, a never-ending selection of grilled meat brought to you and carved hot at the table, all accompanied by a worthy salad bar (nicely arranged on a bed of ice) and a wide variety of hot foods, including traditional Brazilian fare and a few pasta dishes.

The side dishes I tried were all tasty, although some fell to the mushiness of 'buffet syndrome' after spending a little too long on the hot table. A tomato cream sauce vegetable dish reminiscent of tikka massala was outstanding, as was something they called 'chicken alfredo'. I don't have another data point to compare Tabocas to other restaurants of this type, but the grilled meats that kept arriving all tasted great and were cooked perfectly: flank steak, filet mignon, NY sirloin, chicken wings, juicy pork kebabs and sausage.

We ate more than our fill, of course, and left there stuffed.

Tabocas, its good food and fine service, is definitely worth a visit. Warning: open in its current incarnation only since December, word on this place is bound to get out and I'm sure it will be difficult to get a table without calling ahead on weekends.

Rating: An outstanding 4.0 out of 5.0 Tomato Salads

Last night, we three along with my Mom and nephew Joe decided to try Boston's by the Viaduct in Canton, a redo of the former Nick's Place.

It wasn't pretty.

Around 8-10 years ago, the old Nick's was a decent family restaurant with an expansive menu, specializing in Greek and Italian. Friendly, competent servers took good care of you, and for a decent price.

Hey... you folks over at Boston's by the Viaduct... this is what a North End sausage sub is supposed to look like. Note the crusty toasted Italian roll, that the veggies are fully cooked and the sausage still retains some of its flavorful juices. Seriously... you guys need to watch The Food Channel.

We should have known something was amiss when we arrived around 6 PM, Sunday evening. Nick's used to be packed at that time, and a wait of thirty minutes or longer not unusual. We were seated right away--two other people in the dining room, two in the bar. When the waitress came, she seemed put-out and somehow harassed, despite a lack of customers to harry her. Boston's thing is sort of a food tour of Beantown; their menu sub-divided into sections titled, North End, Quincy Market, Haymarket, and the like. I doubt any food made on those premises would pass on the natives, for sure... and there aren't all that many tourists to rip-off around Canton.

And so the place was empty... the word of mouth we somehow missed must have been vile.

To make what could be a long story short, Joe ordered the Nacho appetizer for his main dish: cheap, thin, stale, flavorless nachos, no cheese to speak of, a sprinkle of jar salsa and lump of bad guac. (Uncle Bill... these nachos suck.)

Grammy and May had Steak Tip subs, what little meat there was overdone and tough. My 'North End' sausage sub was a joke... bad bread, A HALF of a tasteless, dried-out sausage topped with a spare scattering of uncooked peppers and onions.

It's hard to believe that food professionals are running this ship, or that you can be that bad by accident.

I'll give Boston's a 0.5 for getting a bacon cheeseburger cooked to order and their fairly decent, crispy onion rings, but I think I'm being generous since everything, including the drinks, had a high-end price.

Go at your own peril... you'd be much better off in the North End.

Boston's by the Viaduct 399 Neponset St.. Canton, Ma, MA 02021 Phone: (781) 828-7878

Rating: A Dismal 0.5 out of 5 Tomato Salads

There's a dearth of decent Barbecue up here in the Boston Metro NW quadrant, at least nothing to write home about, especially if home happens to be around Austin or Memphis. For any sort of decent ribs, you have to snuggle up to the city, to Arlington for the Blue-Ribbon, Davis Square for Redbones, or in our case, down to Moody Street in Waltham to Bison County.

Some bizarre religious sects have organized boycotts against Bison County for its satanic motiff and excessive amounts of cholesterol.

We've stopped off there for a bite a couple of times during the past month, once with my nephew Joe, last week with S/Sgt. Matt of the Elvis Air Force. In 2006, Bison County took "Best Ribs" first prize in the annual Boston Magazine reader's poll. Befittingly, both times the main dishes hit the mark, including Babyback ribs, spicy baked Chile Rellenos and, "Wagon Train"--a medley of grilled tenderloin, turkey and bison tips. However, despite all the charred meaty goodness, the two visits had uneven results in the service and the side-dishes, perhaps due in part to going on a Sunday vs. Saturday. Their baked beans are prefect with the ribs, but the second time could have called bean soup: perhaps an inch of beans drowning at the bottom of a watery liquid, and cold to boot.

Blog from the Future Past has thousands of readers in the local area and we're sure word will get back to folks over at Bison to get their total act together and reduce the amount of undesirable liquids in their food.

I'll still go their for the ribs, though... those beauties alone get Bison County a 3.5 out of 5.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 Tomato Salads