Guest Columnists

BILL LAMBERT

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Thursday, April 30. 2009

Latest on Bloody Mel

Someone I consider highly reliable, close to Mel Gibson, swears his breakup with his wife of 29 years had nothing to do with rumored affairs and big (or perhaps little) problems in the sack.

"It's all about Mel's bizarre, unnatural preoccupation with gore," my source told me, "He keeps pacing, mumbling, 'Where am I ever going to get enough real blood for my next movie? How am I going to get that many donors?' It made Robyn Gibson realize what a sicko pup Mel really is. She finally got fed up and bolted the farm."

Hollywood insiders claim Gibson, 53, based his new historical flick around an incident taking place in Eighteenth-Century Japan--the mass crucifixion of 3,000 Japanese Christians by the War Lord Tokugawa Iyasu.

The 130 million-dollar project, "Shogun Bloodbath" is rumored to outdo even the ultra-violent excesses of Mel's previous works.

A still shot from the early rushes of Mel Gibson's next blockbuster, "Shogun Bloodbath".

Studio exec Marvin Greenbladder was nothing but enthusiastic about the Academy Award winner and convicted drunk driver's latest. "Mel's new film will make Apocalypto look like freakin' Charley and the Chocolate Factory and The Passion of Christ seem like Sponge Bob Squarepants in the Holy Land", he gushed. "He's already ordered a dozen 55-gallon drums full of fresh pig entrails for the shoot. Any idea how much pig entrails cost these days? Even with the freakin' Swine Flu scare, they're still not easy to get."

"When it comes to onscreen flowing blood, Mel is pulling out all the stops this time" he told me over coffee, later on. "Mel is to blood what Hitchcock was to suspense or Francis Ford Coppolla was to Italians."

TIMER MAGAZINE
"Gabriella Stompanazzi is Tinsel Town's primary source for
who is doing who and which end they're doing it with..."

Posted by Bill Lambert in Gabby Stompanazzi at 10:19 | Comments (0) | Trackbacks (0)

Thursday, April 16. 2009

Yes, We Can Fail

We can pray for President Obama to fail, if we choose... at least, we used to be able to pray for Obama to fail, before America became some sort of socio-fascist state, demanding our loyalty.

I pray to God Obama will fail in his efforts to revive the economy; I want there to be bread lines ten blocks long and unsanitary soup kitchens on every corner. That will teach the libby greenheads that you can't stimulate the economy by growing trees and tilting at windmills. We absolutely NEED massive tax breaks for large corporations and the rich: the luxury items only they can afford are the very basis of our American economic system.

May Obama's foreign policy of appeasement fail, leaving us vulnerable to another attack by muslim fanatics. And let's hope it's a really big one, enough of a disaster to put those who know how throw our military weight around back in power at the next election. We may not be safer, but there won't be any liberal one-worlder second thoughts about the long-overdue nuclear retaliation.

I hope Obama misses a few of those outside jumpshots while he's shooting hoops with the Marines. People won't like him much once they see him throw up an airball. I hope he has trouble getting it up, leaving Michelle frustrated and prone to bitch slap Barbara Walters or something... nobody is that perfect. I hope she gains a ton of weight and turns him off. I hope his daughters grow up to be big-butt, spandex-wearing beauty technicians; the kind that buy their jewelry by the pound, eat Bic Macs for lunch everyday, and dye their hair pink.

Hey... I could have asked the Almighty to make them into puss-oozing crack whores, but I don't have anything personal against the man... it's all about being right.

Posted by Bill Lambert in Lasch Rimschott at 11:21 | Comments (0) | Trackbacks (0)

Sunday, September 14. 2008

Drug Choice of the Masses

Last night on NBC's Saturday Night Live, there were at least five comedic references to crystal meth in the first 30 minutes, including Amy Poehler as Hillary Clinton proclaiming Sarah Pailin's hometown of Wasilia the, 'crystal-meth capital of Alaska' in the show's intro.

The long-running late night show has long a been window into the trendy Hollywood lifestyle, but as far as we know here at Blog from The Future Past, this is the first time the west coast glitteratti have taken the lead from the trailer-trash sub-culture, perhaps an indicator of the poor US economy.

Pop culture psycho-analista Gabriella Stompanazi of Heiny Magazine explained the new fad to Media Fool; "You can make enough crystal-meth to put a hurtin' buzz on a half of a Beverly Hills disco with only about $30 worth of over-the-counter cough medicine and a few inexpensive kitchen utensils you can pick up at any Target," she explained.

I hope the SNL cast didn't give any of that crap to Michael Phelps.

Long in search of the right venue for the over-talented David Spade, the FOX network recently signed the obnoxious comic to play the title role in, ' Krystal', their new SITCOM about an aging transgendered prostitute who wise-cracks her way through a debilitating crystal-meth addiction.

Posted by Bill Lambert in Media Fool, Gabby Stompanazzi at 11:10 | Comments (0) | Trackbacks (0)

Tuesday, December 4. 2007

You Can't Blame Bush

Guest Columnist
Annie Whiplash

People like Joe Biden are somehow shocked that President Bush continues to beat the war drum at Iran, despite the recent National Intelligence Estimate that the Iranians have no active nuclear weapons program, and haven't since 2003.

Biden and his treacherous ilk just don't understand the concept of leadership; that leaders have to think differently, the very thing that makes them leaders. Any fool knows this, Joe Biden, and where have you been?

Though President Bush is often criticized as a lightweight, lacking depth, or even a simpleton, the Bush administration's Middle-East policy remains a work of genius, aimed at a single all-important goal: maintain a long-term status quo of instability in the region in order to artificially inflate oil prices.

The Sunni Saudi's are big Bush supporters, therefore Sh'i'ite Iran becomes the target of demonization, a requirement to keep up the scare factor with the great side benefit of pumping up the defense budget. Moreover, with Iran under a boycott and the Iraqi insurrection crippling their oil production, guess who stands to makes the most profit off that inflated crude? The Saudi Royal Family, long time Bush allies and business partners.

So it looks to me like everyone's happy: the oil companies, the OPEC nations, Halliburton, Lockheed, Bechtel-Parsons and the Pentagon. These are the things that fuel our economy, or at least the top of it, and you have to start somewhere.

If George Bush does step over some ill-defined, out-dated sense of Presidential powers, he certainly does so with the best interests of the country in mind.

That's called leadership, Joe Biden.

The genius of the neo-con simplified Roadmap of the Middle-East is that it maintains a dangerous status quo of instability in order to pump up prices for the oil business.

( Annie Whiplash is a regular contributor at Blog from the Future Past )

Posted by Bill Lambert in Annie Whiplash at 12:27 | Comments (0) | Trackbacks (0)

Wednesday, October 10. 2007

Why We Love Lindsay Most

Thank goodness Lindsay Lohan finally left re-hab. Those of us here here at Blog from the Future Past wish her nothing but the best, considering the high rate of relapse among celebrities.

Pop culture psycho-analista Gabriella Stompanazzi of Heiny Magazine claims that rehabilitation is inevitably doomed to fail in the case of young celebrities, since they were never habilitated in the first place. They have no normalcy to fall back on.

There could be something to that.

Britney Spears was a star in her teens, but unfortunately has always been too trailer-trashy to love. And no one seemed to mind when spoiled brat Paris Hilton got sent to the can. There was even a public outcry from those salivating at the thought of Paris getting held down and butched while in the slammer.

Lindsay Lohan, however, is different.

We first fell in love with her precocious pubescence in the remake of Parent Trap, later on after she got boobs starring with everyone's favorite VW, the loveable Herbie, for God's sake.

She's like our little sister who gets drunk and does the entire basketball team in the Boy's locker-room, or causes a fatal accident after huffing nitrous from a can of Redi-Whip while driving.

We can forgive and forget because we remember how cute she was, with that red hair, the freckles and the huge chipmunk chompers.

Britney, Paris and Lindsay tried to set a new, 'sans coullotte', fashion trend until their agents explained that they could never land a gig with Victoria's Secret if they didn't wear underwear. Bottom right: In happier days, a young Lindsay Lohan assumes the position on the set of 'Parent Trap'.

Posted by Bill Lambert in Media Fool, Gabby Stompanazzi at 07:57 | Comments (0) | Trackbacks (0)

Thursday, September 27. 2007

The Pshaw of Iran

Guest Columnist
Annie Whiplash

Though I wouldn't trust Irani President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad much past the point I could toss the little bastard with a dull pitchfork, there are lessons to be learned from his recent visit to the UN and concurrent appearance at Columbia University. The Iranian leader was obviously preaching to the East-Coast liberal cry-baby choir as he tore off a litany of our alleged sins. Meanwhile, these are the very things the Iranian goverment does to keep the bearded masses of Iranian men and women under his greasy thumb.

He says we have secret prisons. They also have them in Iran. He blames us for using torture during interrogation and holding prisoners without access to legal representation or due process. They do these things as well.

He then goes on to accuse us of throwing our weight around, no less trying to force our culture down the held throat of the entire middle east. What on earth does he think a Wahhabi Madras is, Koombaya in a burnoose?

News, Mahmoud: we're no worse than you are, but we only violate human rights when it comes to preserving democracy and freedom.

You just want to make bombs, my swarthy Buckeroo... it's no secret you soak your silkies anytime anyone utters the B-word.

Hate to clue you, but life isn't always fair. It's perfectly fine to have atomic weapons when you're a free and democratic nation, but not okay if you're not. It's as simple as that; a rule that the entire world follows, except for China, Russia and barely a handful of more-or-less minor leaguers.

If we let you freaks have a bomb, then everyone would want one. Where would the world be if every Yakistan on earth had a goddamn H-bomb?

We'll keep them to ourselves, thank you.

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad attempts to describe degenerate Western pornography to the Iranian Supreme Council of Ayatollas. Under constant criticism both at home and abroad, the embattled Irani leader insists he showers almost every other day.

( Annie Whiplash is a regular contributor at Blog from the Future Past )

Posted by Bill Lambert in Annie Whiplash at 12:03 | Comments (0) | Trackbacks (0)

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