Guest Columnists

Someone close to Tiger Woods recently claimed off the record that the world's best golfer was badly influenced by the likes of Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley and the city of Las Vegas. This explains a lot about Woods: he learned the NBA model of public behavior from two of its most skilled practitioners. If Michael Jordan invites you into the VIP room to share the bounty with a six-pack of stacked bimbos, how could you refuse? Once you figure out how many bimbos you can get for, say, a billion dollars, who could blame you for a full-frontal foray into the pay-for-play commodity sector? At least Tiger was never caught carrying a loaded 9mm or a pound of crack, unlike most NBA players. It wasn't Tiger's fault. He only wanted to be like Mike. Charles was there to call him a pussy if he wasn't.

In addition to her smashing success as an adult film actress, Jocelyn James is one of the world's most celebrated bad hairpiece models.

Others were shocked by the text messages revealed by one of Tiger's 30-odd mistresses, porn star Jocelyn James. But shouldn't we expect this sort of thing as the norm? After all, if you were dating a porn star introduced to you by Charles Barkley, how the hell do you think you would talk to her?

You can't fault Tiger for adapting so well to NBA/porn-star culture. Someday Tiger Woods will be revered not only as the World's Greatest Golfer, but also one of the top celebrity stick-men of our age... right up there with JFK, Warren Beatty, perhaps second only to the King of Swing, Wilt Chamberlain.

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"Gabriella Stompanazzi is Tinsel Town's primary source for
who is doing who, and which end they're doing it with..."

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As soon as the programming geniuses over at TnA heard Octomom Nadya Suleman openly assert an attraction for John Gosselin, they began burning the midnight oil on a new reality-based show they expect to be next year's blockbuster. TnA VP for New Concept Development, Hans Beerman, could hardly hold back his excitement as he explained his new concept, over lunch at the Four Seasons. "We're calling it Octo-Mom, Sexto-Kate and Balloon Boy," he told me, "And get this... as we speak, we're negotiating a deal with the Michael Jackson estate to film the entire series at Neverland and even get the Jackson kids to stop by and have breakfast with all twenty Suleman, Gosselin and Heene kids twice a week." "It's can't miss," he continued, "Because of the incentives." There's been a lot of talk around town about 'incentivizing' reality TV personalities much like professional athletes. A pitcher in baseball gets a little extra if he gets the Cy Young Award, for instance; or Michael Strahan got a hefty bonus for every leg he broke during the last half of his NFL career.

In case "Octo-Mom, Sexto-Kate and Balloon Boy" never comes to fruition, Richard Heene is working on a new concept show with the FEED NETWORK, introducing America to the culinary delights he loved as a child on the planet Blaxxon. In the series pilot yet to air, Richard and his Blaxxonian Mom Thxdra demonstrate techniques used to make Blaxxonian Hydrocloric Tungsten Curry, served on a crouton of white-hot steel plate and garnished with a chiffonade of cast-iron shavings and a spicy ground glass chutney.

This was the first time I heard a top network executive push incentivization openly as a way to improve program quality and viewer excitement. When I asked Beerman about details, he was happy to fill me in and proud of it.

"Every adult in the program will get a $50,000 bonus for participating in an affair that lasts at least three episodes, a $250,000 bonus for every pregnancy and an additional $250,000 for every live birth, provided we're allowed to broadcast the blessed event as it happens," he said.

Stunned, I asked what was behind these particular incentives. "Let's face it," Hans told me, "Viewers want sex, and lots of it. We have five adults: Nadya, Kate and John Gosselin and Richard and Mayumi Heene--at least until Falcon Heene and the Jackson kids reach the age of consent. We're hoping the cast will establish a series of rotating polyamorous relationships that will draw in the public. Did I mention that there's extra money for same sex relationships?"

"Your not serious?" I said, pretending to be surprised.

"Gays and bisexual relationships in a reality show pull in an enormous hate crowd in the red states," Hans explained.

After yours truly queried him further, Beerman denied rumored plans to incentivize episodes of beastiality, but then added, "Of course, the boundaries of the show's reality could always be revisited at a later date.

OMSKABB is slated to premiere in early January, after the holiday season.

TIMER MAGAZINE
"Gabriella Stompanazzi is Tinsel Town's primary source for
who is doing who, and which end they're doing it with..."

Anyone as intimate with Dick Cheney as I am knew right after 9/11 he would dedicate every ounce of his being into the task of finding Osama Bin Laden and sending his sorry ass home to Jesus. What did people think Vice-President Cheney, hunkered down in his fortified basement fun room, was doing all that time? Why should Dick Cheney--or anyone in the executive branch, for that matter--need to inform Congress about clandestine operations or the inner workings of American intelligence or counter-intelligence? Some two-bit congressional staffer would only sell off the skinny to a treacherous leftist mouthpiece such as the New Yuk Times or CNN and expose our plans to hunt down Bin Laden and his little dog, too--the pasty, un-hygenic Al Zawahiri.

Former Vice-President Dick Cheney was so obsessed with finding Osama Bin Laden, he would often dress in Sunni arab garb and even learned to tolerate the exotic taste of Hummus.

The only thing our inept and dysfunctional Congress could do is ask a lot of stupid questions; for instance, "Why isn't your plan working?", or "How much will this cost?"... or a laundry list of other things they really have no right to question.

C'mon people... did anyone really believe we were not trying our damnedest to boost a bunker-buster up Bin Laden's butt? This alleged "secret plan" was no secret to anyone born with half a brain.

Now that the truth is out, we're told the Vice President ordered the CIA and Delta to stake out every golf course, strip club, adult video store and Walmart between Tora Bora and the Swat Valley for nearly eight years.

You can't blame Dick Cheney for the fact that Bin Laden and Al Zawahiri never showed up. It only goes to prove how much they feared him.

Imagine you step out of the shower to towel off and can't help but turn to the kaleidoscoping reflections that fill up the mirrored walls of your luxurious shower suite. Your hair is gone, the famous tousled ringlet curls now scattered blotches of graying stubble. A xylophone ribcage juts out over a sunken gut, protruding pelvic bones and knobby knees. At 5'10" tall and 112-lbs., you're only marginally more well-nourished than an inmate in a Nazi workcamp and your drawn, gaunt face shows it. There's something wrong with your nose... it never quite fit, and for the ten-thousandth time you regret you went that far. Your skin is as white and translucent as a bride's veil. The needle tracks up and down your arms and between your toes ache and itch, and it's all you can do to restrain yourself from tearing at the scabs.

Michael Jackson died for our sins.

In the end, all the money in the world couldn't buy Michael Jackson what he really needed.

A sad case, another long slow dive off the entertainment pinnacle. In his quest for perfection, driven by an obsessive need to please, Michael's self-destruction was rooted in his simple, stubborn refusal to grow up. No one around him forced him to be 'normal'. No one could, according to some. Michael would cut off anyone who tried to come between him and his bizarre behavior while most of the paid help whistled dixie and looked the other way.

Michael couldn't stop being the star child and had to die a lot sooner than most of us because of it.

Did you really believe Michael Jackson would live long and prosper?

Not many did, it seems. His family, friends and fans watched him die, helpless... even complacent in the face of what they knew would be the inevitable.

Who will be fame and fortune's next bloodied victim?

It's the reason we watch.

TIMER MAGAZINE
"Gabriella Stompanazzi is Tinsel Town's primary source for
who is doing who and which end they're doing it with..."

I applaud former Vice-President Dick Cheney's effort to defend the Bush administration's unblemished record on the War on Terror. In rebuttal to President Obama's speech today on National Security, Cheney clearly illustrated why we need the prison at Guantanamo Bay. "If we tortured people on American soil, it would be un-American. If we offshore all the dirty work," he added, "we'll likely get a lighter sentence when they finally catch up with us." Here at the God Network, we totally agree. The whole torture thing has been overblown by silk-skivvy liberals too afraid to stretch out an obvious terrorist on the rack. If waterboarding is torture, then why did it take 87 sessions before they finally got Kahlid Sheik Muhamed to spill the chickpeas? Torture, indeed. Showing that sick murderer a couple of hours of Lady Gaga videos might have worked just as well. Cheney also questioned the competency of the Obama team and their will to pummel Arab radicals back into line. "This administration can't win the war because only we could do that. Or at least we could when Rummy was still around," said the former VP, to a standing ovation at the Washington Fossil Club, due to the cigar smoke known as the Conservative Stink Tank. "I really do miss Rummy," he repeated, teary-eyed.

Former Vice-President Dick Cheney will someday be recognized as a true American hero, the Torquemada of the New Millenium.

Don't we all, Mr. Vice President. Don't we all. Donald Rumsfeld was the one who came up with the idea of using Guantanamo as holding camp for America's enemies in the first place, and developed plans for offshore prison expansion into Guam, U.S. Samoa and the U.S. Virgin Islands once the number of enemies we'll need to incarcerate abroad exceeds the capacity in Cuba.

Obama and company would have us house them in Mississippi instead, and give them fair trials.

You have to wonder what they're thinking over there at Miss USA. The entire Miss California/Perez Hilton controversy has been a disaster and an embarrassment to pageant organizers, however, they've earned every stinking ostrich egg caked on their face. THE MOTHER OF ALL MISTAKES: en-paneling a gay male as a judge in a beauty contest is like selecting someone to judge an equestrian event who has never ridden a horse. Pageant organizers should have anticipated that Hilton, a headline grabber of the first rank, might judge the contest based on some unpredictable or arbitrary criteria. An accident waiting to happen; by selecting Hilton, they set themselves up for the fall. Each contestant in Miss USA is filtered through a written questionnaire, that asks, among others other things, if the young lass has bared her assets, so to speak, for the camera. If, as it turned out, you can be disqualified for being less than politically correct in the mind of one of the judges, shouldn't they ask that question on the contest entry form up front, as well? Q. Do you support same sex marriage? (Warning: a negative response may get your tight little world-class heiny disqualified)

Bloganazzi Perez Hilton trolling for a full body cavity search while enroute to this years' Cannes Film Festival.

Why should it matter what some 22-year-old Malibu airhead thinks about gay marriage? All that should be required is, look pretty, smile for the cameras and don't spit when you attempt to appear vaguely intelligent. It is supposed to be beauty contest, after all, not a run for the Senate or a spot on the NASA Board of Governors.

We won't even get into the hypocrisy of disqualifying any contestant who has peeled down to show off a little cheesecake... especially these days, since everyone in middle-school is doing it. They parade out the Miss USA bimbo platoon wearing little more than off-strip Vegas club girls. I mean, is there anyone on earth who doesn't know what a nipple looks like?

Anyone besides Perez Hilton, that is.

Even if you can't see the naughty bits, everyone is sure thinking about them. Maybe they should show more skin, in order to save the pageant.. give this outdated throwback a little life. They could add a lap dance round in place of those inane questions and add more entertaining side-awards, 'Best Tail Feathers', for instance, or 'Best Natural Hooters', since such things tend to encourage more in the way of hands-on viewer participation.

TIMER MAGAZINE
"Gabriella Stompanazzi is Tinsel Town's primary source for
who is doing who and which end they're doing it with..."