Election '08

You get one of them, regardless... duh!.

Actually, it's the election that drew me back into blogging, after a long hiatus. I just couldn't sit out this kind of awesome spectacle. It's rather quiet on the campaign front, now, before the conventions. But don't worry, the boys are honing-up their character assassin skills, tutored by former disciples of the asshole, Karl Rove.

This campaign, like most others, will likely follow three major phases:

• Phase One: R-E-S-P-E-C-T... you know what it means to me.
  The candidates demonstrate to the voting public the utmost respect and admiration for their opponent and that they intend to run a fair-minded campaign.

  Obama, for instance, might say, "I have the utmost respect for John McCain. He gets around remarkably well for a guy his age with all those health problems, and I'm not sure I could have remained sane after being tortured and left rotting in the sun for five-and-a-half years by KGB-trained gook fanatics." Or McCain, noting some of Barack Obama's special personal qualities; "It takes brass balls to get photographed wearing a turban, but Obama looked a lot more fly than George Bush in one of those faggot Chinese dink suits."

• Phase Two: A Game of GO FISH, using Race Bait.
  McCAIN: I see your race card and raise you one.
  OBAMA: I'll see your race card with the MARTIN LUTHER KING HOLIDAY flap.
  McCAIN: I'll call your King flap with a JEREMIAH WRIGHT and play my LET ALL THE HISPANICS OUT OF JAIL FREE card.

• Phase Three: Direct Confrontation
  The candidates will hold a series of debates and intensify their planned TV news appearances in all-out final assault. I can't help feeling that McCain and Obama standing next to each other on stage will remind everybody of the Verne Troyer porn flick. Expect Obama to verbally pimp-slap the ashen McCain back into the arms of his MILF Beer Baroness.

A mean and ugly business, but it is this sort of high-class entertainment that makes America great. At least there's no film actors, professional wrestlers or body-builders in it this time.

This could be the last election for some years without a bona-fide freak.