The mainstream media has gone bizarro trying to explain the current economic crisis to the public. Comparisons to the Great Depression or a standard pyramid scheme don't quite do the situation justice. The resident geniuses at Blog from the Future Past came up with a more simplified model to explain the dire situation to those of us lacking a Harvard MBA, or even a GED: the Toothpaste Tube Economic Model™, depicted in the illustration at right.
First off, there needed to be pre-conditions. A corporate culture developed during the high-flying 80's and 90's, whereby companies would stack their Board of Directors and management team with greedy synchophant homies of the CEO, who would then award everyone at the corporate Christmas Party enormous 'performance-based' bonuses and stock options.
The Tootpaste Model of the Economic Crisis explains how speculators and Fat Cats ate your lunch.
More recently, clever execs in the banking/lending biz invented the 'sub-prime' mortgage market and used it to artificially inflate the net worth of their companies, on paper at least, by selling off bad loans at good-loan rates, and triggering huge bonus payoffs and stock awards for themselves.
This created the pressure at the back of the tube, where the small lenders and consumers at the base of the economy reside--their pension plans, their homes, their savings are poised to collapse.
The $70 Billion Bailout is supposed to replace the money from the bottom of the tube that got sucked out of the top by our Wall Street wizards.
Right now they're wondering, plotting, how they can get their mitts on the new bailout bonanza, as well.
Last night on NBC's Saturday Night Live, there were at least five comedic references to crystal meth in the first 30 minutes, including Amy Poehler as Hillary Clinton proclaiming Sarah Pailin's hometown of Wasilia the, 'crystal-meth capital of Alaska' in the show's intro.
The long-running late night show has long a been window into the trendy Hollywood lifestyle, but as far as we know here at Blog from The Future Past, this is the first time the west coast glitteratti have taken the lead from the trailer-trash sub-culture, perhaps an indicator of the poor US economy.
Pop culture psycho-analista Gabriella Stompanazi of Heiny Magazine explained the new fad to Media Fool; "You can make enough crystal-meth to put a hurtin' buzz on a half of a Beverly Hills disco with only about $30 worth of over-the-counter cough medicine and a few inexpensive kitchen utensils you can pick up at any Target," she explained.
I hope the SNL cast didn't give any of that crap to Michael Phelps.
Long in search of the right venue for the over-talented David Spade, the FOX network recently signed the obnoxious comic to play the title role in, ' Krystal', their new SITCOM about an aging transgendered prostitute who wise-cracks her way through a debilitating crystal-meth addiction.
Too bad on you if there's a little dirt in your closet and you happen to be murdered. The Media would no doubt pile on the 'speculation', as happened with Emily Sanders and Sean Taylor, as if the tragic loss of these young people somehow is deserved or inevitable, based on "who they were".
News outlets must think it's good business: gets more click-throughs, sells more newspapers or keeps little fingers off the remote. When Emily Sanders first went missing, the headlines read, 'High School Student Missing'. Shortly after, news came out that she was a semi-regular on some bush-league internet porn site. All of of sudden, she becomes a MISSING PORN STAR.
Linda Lovelace, she ain't... Emily wasn't famous, even to porn experts, and believe me, I checked. They might as well have used the headline, 'LITTLE SLUT GETS WHAT SHE DESERVES', for God's sake.
Here's the rub... police say Emily's budding porn career had nothing to do with her murder. They have a suspect, someone she left a bar with on the night she died. CNN even reported that, according to the local Chief of Police, all the porn talk was causing false leads and a media crush and was hampering the investigation.
It was nice to include that in their story, however, it didn't make them change their headlines.
Why is the media trying to imply that the little slut Emily Sanders and the bad-ass black man Sean Taylor got what they deserved?
Sean Taylor, who millions watched every Sunday collide with behemoths for millions a year, all of a sudden, 'had a past', was 'turning his life around', and all the other code-words they use to paint some brother as bad news.
This was no strip club shooting or nightclub jealousy. Sometimes people kill people just for their money, and that appears to be the case in the shooting of Sean Taylor. He was in bed asleep with his fiancee and baby girl, for God's sake.
Shame on you media guys... can't you at least wait until after the funeral?
Thank goodness Lindsay Lohan finally left re-hab. Those of us here here at Blog from the Future Past wish her nothing but the best, considering the high rate of relapse among celebrities.
Pop culture psycho-analista Gabriella Stompanazzi of Heiny Magazine claims that rehabilitation is inevitably doomed to fail in the case of young celebrities, since they were never habilitated in the first place. They have no normalcy to fall back on.
There could be something to that.
Britney Spears was a star in her teens, but unfortunately has always been too trailer-trashy to love. And no one seemed to mind when spoiled brat Paris Hilton got sent to the can. There was even a public outcry from those salivating at the thought of Paris getting held down and butched while in the slammer.
Lindsay Lohan, however, is different.
We first fell in love with her precocious pubescence in the remake of Parent Trap, later on after she got boobs starring with everyone's favorite VW, the loveable Herbie, for God's sake.
She's like our little sister who gets drunk and does the entire basketball team in the Boy's locker-room, or causes a fatal accident after huffing nitrous from a can of Redi-Whip while driving.
We can forgive and forget because we remember how cute she was, with that red hair, the freckles and the huge chipmunk chompers.
Britney, Paris and Lindsay tried to set a new, 'sans coullotte', fashion trend until their agents explained that they could never land a gig with Victoria's Secret if they didn't wear underwear. Bottom right: In happier days, a young Lindsay Lohan assumes the position on the set of 'Parent Trap'.
Those beloved GEICO cavemen are finally getting their own sitcom, a real coup and a clever move by the folks over at ABC.
Humor is difficult in the new millenium. Back in the day, we could make fun of any-old ethnicity or rely on crass stereotypes to get a sure laugh. With no real cavemen around to complain, ABC avoids tip-toeing through today's PC minefield by introducing a new fictional ethnicity that can be disparaged without political consequences.
I wish I thought of that.
The Media Fool predicts "Cavemen" goes mega-hit, the funniest bit on TV since Coneheads. These hirsute neanderthals will play surrogate for any ethnicity we hate or believe stupid or unrefined.
God knows, people these days need to vent.
The GEICO Cavemen cope with severe ethno/cultural predjudice and inherently low IQ's, and we think this is funny.