Blog from the Future Past

As soon as the programming geniuses over at TnA heard Octomom Nadya Suleman openly assert an attraction for John Gosselin, they began burning the midnight oil on a new reality-based show they expect to be next year's blockbuster. TnA VP for New Concept Development, Hans Beerman, could hardly hold back his excitement as he explained his new concept, over lunch at the Four Seasons. "We're calling it Octo-Mom, Sexto-Kate and Balloon Boy," he told me, "And get this... as we speak, we're negotiating a deal with the Michael Jackson estate to film the entire series at Neverland and even get the Jackson kids to stop by and have breakfast with all twenty Suleman, Gosselin and Heene kids twice a week." "It's can't miss," he continued, "Because of the incentives." There's been a lot of talk around town about 'incentivizing' reality TV personalities much like professional athletes. A pitcher in baseball gets a little extra if he gets the Cy Young Award, for instance; or Michael Strahan got a hefty bonus for every leg he broke during the last half of his NFL career.

In case "Octo-Mom, Sexto-Kate and Balloon Boy" never comes to fruition, Richard Heene is working on a new concept show with the FEED NETWORK, introducing America to the culinary delights he loved as a child on the planet Blaxxon. In the series pilot yet to air, Richard and his Blaxxonian Mom Thxdra demonstrate techniques used to make Blaxxonian Hydrocloric Tungsten Curry, served on a crouton of white-hot steel plate and garnished with a chiffonade of cast-iron shavings and a spicy ground glass chutney.

This was the first time I heard a top network executive push incentivization openly as a way to improve program quality and viewer excitement. When I asked Beerman about details, he was happy to fill me in and proud of it.

"Every adult in the program will get a $50,000 bonus for participating in an affair that lasts at least three episodes, a $250,000 bonus for every pregnancy and an additional $250,000 for every live birth, provided we're allowed to broadcast the blessed event as it happens," he said.

Stunned, I asked what was behind these particular incentives. "Let's face it," Hans told me, "Viewers want sex, and lots of it. We have five adults: Nadya, Kate and John Gosselin and Richard and Mayumi Heene--at least until Falcon Heene and the Jackson kids reach the age of consent. We're hoping the cast will establish a series of rotating polyamorous relationships that will draw in the public. Did I mention that there's extra money for same sex relationships?"

"Your not serious?" I said, pretending to be surprised.

"Gays and bisexual relationships in a reality show pull in an enormous hate crowd in the red states," Hans explained.

After yours truly queried him further, Beerman denied rumored plans to incentivize episodes of beastiality, but then added, "Of course, the boundaries of the show's reality could always be revisited at a later date.

OMSKABB is slated to premiere in early January, after the holiday season.

TIMER MAGAZINE
"Gabriella Stompanazzi is Tinsel Town's primary source for
who is doing who, and which end they're doing it with..."