Blog from the Future Past

Today in the Fan Attic we found a ticket stub from 1995, the last time the Sox won the Division. Mo Vaughn was the American League MVP then, an indicator of just how long ago it was. Our daughter was a toddler, for god's sake. Baseball life can be difficult in the same Division as the Yankees. Over the past dozen years the Red Sox have the second best record in all of baseball, yet they have just one Division title to show for it. I suppose it could be worse... the AL East birds, the Blue Jays and the Orioles, have to climb over both New York and Boston to make in any given year, and neither have made the playoffs within the past decade. Some may claim the Division doesn't mean a whole lot (including me, the day before yesterday) and that celebrating a Division title is making much ado about not much, but it's hard to fight back against the New York money machine.

Jonathan Papelbon takes out his revenge on Daisuke Matsuzaka after the playful Japanese rookie tried to cornhole the Boston closer in the shower with an empty champagne bottle.

The Sox have done well recently, competing at the same level most years with a bankroll only somewhere around 50-60% that of the boys from the Bronx. Hats off to Theo Epstien, Terry Francona and all the Red Sox heros we've watched fight for our Boston honor this season. You may or may not progress on to the ultimate prize, but whatever the outcome you deserve our accolades and appreciation for an exciting season.

The embarrassing videos you assumed destroyed will soon resurface LUCKY STIFF: Don't rely on luck! -- myViagra.com

Guest Columnist Annie Whiplash

Though I wouldn't trust Irani President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad much past the point I could toss the little bastard with a dull pitchfork, there are lessons to be learned from his recent visit to the UN and concurrent appearance at Columbia University. The Iranian leader was obviously preaching to the East-Coast liberal cry-baby choir as he tore off a litany of our alleged sins. Meanwhile, these are the very things the Iranian goverment does to keep the bearded masses of Iranian men and women under his greasy thumb. He says we have secret prisons. They also have them in Iran. He blames us for using torture during interrogation and holding prisoners without access to legal representation or due process. They do these things as well.

He then goes on to accuse us of throwing our weight around, no less trying to force our culture down the held throat of the entire middle east. What on earth does he think a Wahhabi Madras is, Koombaya in a burnoose?

News, Mahmoud: we're no worse than you are, but we only violate human rights when it comes to preserving democracy and freedom. You just want to make bombs, my swarthy Buckeroo... it's no secret you soak your silkies anytime anyone utters the B-word. Hate to clue you, but life isn't always fair. It's perfectly fine to have atomic weapons when you're a free and democratic nation, but not okay if you're not. It's as simple as that; a rule that the entire world follows, except for China, Russia and barely a handful of more-or-less minor leaguers. If we let you freaks have a bomb, then everyone would want one. Where would the world be if every Yakistan on earth had a goddamn H-bomb? We'll keep them to ourselves, thank you.

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad attempts to describe degenerate Western pornography to the Iranian Supreme Council of Ayatollas. Under constant criticism both at home and abroad, the embattled Irani leader insists he showers almost every other day.

( Annie Whiplash is a regular contributor at Blog from the Future Past )

October is neigh upon us and The Oracle at Blog from the Future Past has been tuning in to the portion of his brain pierced by that now-legendary lightening bolt years ago while standing on the summit of Mt. Arrafat.

His predictions for the up-coming month will astound you:

An MIT student will do something stupid. A prominent government official will be indicted or censured for bribery charges or some sort of sexual shenanigans. Two babies will be found in dumpsters. One will be alive, one not. Three young girls will go missing. One will be found, two won't. Four campaign aides for major candidates will be fired for being either fugitives or pedophiles. Five men will kill their wives. Three of them will try to pin the blame on someone of another race. Six men will kill women who scorned them. Four of these will be by murder/suicide. A dozen Pit Bulls will maul children. Some of them won't make it, others will. The Homeland Security Department and/or its FEMA subsidiary will screw up bigtime. The Pope will say something lame.

At a recent press conference, Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff immitates the mating call of an Eastern Wood Duck while President George W. Bush checks upskirt on one of the hot FEMA babes.

Of these things to come, the Oracle is certain

All of a sudden, the magic number falls to 3 with 5 games left, and the injured are returning.

The Division title doesn't mean a whole lot, when you come down to it. It would give the Sox the home advantage if they ended up meeting New York in the American League Championship series, but venue in that rivalry doesn't mean a whole lot.

We're pretty excited about the upcoming playoffs here at the Cabin in the Woods. Whether Cleveland or Los Angeles, we're in for some great baseball.

A brief, though uplifting news item from Reuters International. Pope says unbridled capitalism harmful ROME - Pope Benedict yesterday warned that unbridled capitalism is widening the gap between the world's rich and poor and threatening the future of the planet. Addressing the faithful at his weekly Angelus blessing at his summer residence outside Rome, Benedict said capitalism and a fair distribution of wealth were not contradictory, but the search for profit must not be allowed to go unchecked. (Reuters) During public appearances, often for political reasons, World leaders rarely say much that means anything (when in doubt, bless the crowd). But recently you have to admire His Holiness not only for talking the talk, but also how well he has taken to waddling the walk. The Roman Catholic Church has graciously injected over $1 Billion back into the economy with just seven of the early settlement payouts to US abuse victims. There's a lot more to come, worldwide, and there's a lot of places like Thailand that haven't even checked in yet. Now, that's putting your moola where your feet normally hang out.

Pope Benedict VI, shown here sharing a joke with reporters after a private audience with lanky supermodel Heidi Klum. The Holy Father is affectionately called 'Eggs' by the Vatican household staff due to an enormous set of balls and a well-deserved reputation as a sick sort of practical joker.

It was a tremendous gesture by the Church and I hate to look a gift pontiff in the mouth. His Holiness is a man of immense genius, like up there with John Lennon and Hunter Thomson, but understandably naive afte 80-odd years of Rosaries in Latin. Unworldy to an infallible fault, he probably never realized that this particular method of wealth redistribution tends to concentrate monetary assets into relatively few mitts... most of them attached to lawyers, therapists and heroin dealers.

Thank goodness the Church's wealth is estimated somewhere north of $150 Billion and His Holiness has so much more he can work with. If he can sell off little jewelry or a few parcels of land in France or other places where Catholicism is in rapid decline--say a neat 10% liquidation sale--they can set up a food stamp program for ~150,000,000 of the world's poorest families with a $1,000 initial credit each.

I'll establish and run the Boston program for them, if they want me too (Our Motto: 'Nobody cheats; everybody eats'). The Boston Archdiocese is still worth upwards of $550 million, even after paying out more than $100 million to victims of abuse. If they'd start us off with, say, a cool $50 million seed money, we can feed and educate 100,000 of Boston poorest for well past 10 years on the principle alone.

Think it over, Holy Father... big guy. A painting or two, a handful of jeweled tiaras or a couple of overgrown, abandoned monastaries... maybe it's time to cash in a few chips, tip the dealer and move on to another table.