Blog from the Future Past

Sheryl was joking when she said it: save the environment by using just a single sheet of TP after you've gone about your bathroom business. I had to laugh as the media tried to turn what amounts to a pile of crap into a story. Sure sounded to me like the comment was made in jest. Years ago, I made the same joke... sort of.

At the time, mid-'70's, the small start-up manufacturer of mid-range mainframes I worked for came under financial strain. The Executive VP, a gentleman of Chinese descent who bullet-sprays spittle when he talks, issued a rant of a memorandum on how employees waste money on paper towels and "other restroom supplies"; this coming from a guy driving a company purchased Mercedes.

A good company man even in my early twenties, I quickly made signs. When no one was around, I taped up a couple in the restrooms:

SAVE YOUR JOB:
USE BOTH SIDES
OF THE TOILET PAPER

I also hid a dead fish above a ceiling panel over the VP spitter's desk, not long after. The company facilities guy was in the on the joke and for a week pretended he couldn't smell anything when the VP made his daily complaint about the stench.

It was a mackerel, as I recall... a really stinker, too.

In an effort to capitalize on America's obsession with mass-murder/suicides, a cable TV network will pay Brett Easton Ellis an undisclosed seven-figure sum for rights to the name "American Psycho", for a series modeled after FOX network's American Idol. Contestants will be hand-picked based on the threatening tone of their mySpace webpage and act out murderous scenarios with a different set of weapons and a randomly chosen public setting every week.

The show will end abruptly, unexpectedly, when a female contestant manages to get past security wearing a thong made from plastic explosives and kills herself on the air, along with judges Anthony Hopkins, former Manson Moll, Lynette 'Squeeky' Fromme, and John Hinckley Jr., special guest out on work-release.

Thus Speaketh The Oracle

Baseball is a funny game. One day your team looks great, the next day they suck pond water. Fastballs that the day before sailed over Landsdowne Street suddenly whiz past gaping Beantown batters and your pitcher couldn't get it over the plate if he were standing on it. It's a long season, and unlike other major sports, division winners have winning percentages in the .600's, not .750 to .900. That means you'll lose 60 odd games, even in a decent year.

The Nation should be inured to losing, especially those of us used to seeing the Sox drop 90 or 100 games and end up finishing 30-something games behind New York, year after year. Red Sox fans, however, take every loss as a cosmic rebuke: Almighty retribution, perhaps for sins yet to be sinned. Does God test us, like the Jews, like Job, when Manny hits into a double-play or a Wakefield knuckler gets past Mirabelli and a Yankee run scores? Is God a Red Sox fan or not?

We think so.

Nineteen games into the season, the Sox are 12-7, best in the AL and 4 games ahead of the Yankees, all that matters (contrary to popular opinion, Red Sox Nation doesn't hate the Yankees, we just hate the fact the Yankees win). This year Boston improved their pitching with the two Nihonjin, Matsuzaka and Okajima, and Josh Beckett seems headed for a breakout year as the staff ace. J.D. Drew is more than adequate as a replacement for the often-injured Trot Nixon in right, while Julio Lugo has been solid at short and leading off. On the downside, Coco Crisp still looks lost at times and neither he nor his replacement, Wily Mo Peña, could hit a low breaking ball on the outside half of the plate with a car door. That, and our catchers can't hit for squat.

It will be an interesting year. For a change, the Sox seem to have a clear pitching edge over the New Yorkers and the depth to sustain it, with young arms like Lester, Hansen and Delcarmen honing their chops down in Pawtucket. The Yankees lineup, however, is loaded with veteran stars in their prime. Even if the entire line-up only had an 'average' year, they might break all sorts of American League batting records; they're that good.

This is war.

Guest Columnist Annie Whiplash

World Bank President Paul Wolfowitz has come under fire lately for influencing a promotion and large raise for his main squeeze, Shaha Riza, a former underling, we assume in more ways than one. First off, Wolfowitz deserves slack. This is the principle architect of "Shock and Awe" we're talking about here; an American patriot of immense intellect, one of the few with the guts to order the slaughter of innocent people to spread democracy and peace throughout the middle-east. What guy worth his salt hasn't given the woman they jiggy with a little gift once in awhile? While it may not always be ethical, it's perfectly understandable. You need to stay on the good side of your honey-pot if you're going to get to dip.

We should take a hard look at what Bill Clinton has done for Hillary before we decide to go medieval on poor Wolfy. The Monica Lewinsky BJ was staged to make Hillary look the wounded-though-loyal-wife in order to gather up sympathy for her presidential run. Talk about a raise and promotion!

In all likelihood this affair (I won't call it a scandal since neither one is an intern) will end with Wolfowitz keeping his position, after an apology and a strong vote of confidence from George Bush. Ms. Riza, with a face that could scare the rats out of a Brooklyn Taco Bell, must be a hell of a bareback ride--she deserves to keep both her job and her man.

( Annie Whiplash is a regular contributor at Blog from the Future Past )