The United Nations has named March 8th, "International Beheading Day", and the entire month of March, "International Beheading Month".
Millions of children all around the world will take part in the
celebrations, many reenacting famous beheadings throughout history,
or attending educational seminars on beheading technique, clean-up,
and new advances in beheading technology.
I, for one, am just thrilled this folk holiday has at last been
officially recognized. Every society on earth has traditions surrounding
the beheading, dating back to prehistoric times. I've always been
a student of Joseph Campbell, and see beheading as a basic human
need as universal as the institution of marriage.
Not surprising given my lifelong interest, I have patented a new
design for ethical beheading, and I'm now in the middle of a product
rollout of the device, coincident with this month's festivities.
(Yes... we are accepting applications from potential investors
for second-round funding.)
Picture King Tut's sarcophagus, only not quite so fancy. Instead
of gold, the outer package is custom-crafted from brushed stainless
steel. There's a slot at the throat area, over which my device
is bolted into place. The client is placed inside the airtight
receptacle, though able to breath a mix of oxygen and nitrous
oxide through tubes inserted up their nostrils (up to 24-hours).
The cover is then closed, bolted shut, hermetically sealed, and
placed upright within the visitor viewing area.
Everyone taking part in the execution is given a special text
message code to type into their cellphones, only one of which,
selected at random, will actually trigger the process. After a
30-second delay, enough time for the crowd or cameras to gather
around the prisoner's eye-slot, a shotgun shell is fired by the
triggering device. The force of the blast engages the multifunction
blade--an ultra-heated (3,000 degrees, C.), electrified (8,880-volts,
AC) tungsten-alloy cleaver that severs the client's throat and
neckbone at supersonic speed, the heat cauterizing the wound and
burning off loose nerve endings, the electric shock inducing an
instantaneous unconsciousness state similar to that of electroshock
therapy. At the same time, tiny, twin explosive darts are launched
through the client's nose tubes. These pierce through the sinus
cavity to embed deep within the prefrontal lobe where they burst
open, redistributing the surrounding gray matter and introducing
a 10X-fatal-dose of heroin--an extra, humane, precaution.
After automatic infusion of our proprietary genetically-engineered
flesh-consuming microbes (Pat.-Pend.), the container is stored
in a secure holding facility until it can be recycled in 5-7 years,
saving the taxpayers money.
That's about it, in a nut shell.
Head Removal Is Humane
to behead, or not
a question for Your Honor
time-tested and true
I think beheading is the only sane way to kill people. And no, I am not saying that merely because of my potential business interests. It's just the right thing to do.